Look out! Starship Troopers and Transformers are about to assault your senses in HD, and soon you can choose Harold and Kumar’s adventures. This week’s new releases are mostly stinkers (The Eye, Semi-Pro), but Dirty Harry’s got your back with a fantastic new box set. Are you feeling lucky, punk?


Make it a Blockbuster…download…night?

Are video stores headed the way of the dinosaur? Not if Blockbuster can help it. The rental chain has begun testing new in-store download kiosks where customers can zip in, ATM-style, and download movies right onto their digital media players. The goal is to have you in and loaded in 30 seconds — that is, only if you have the Archos media player, which you can buy in a Blockbuster store, which you can use portably or plug into a TV set…which sounds all too troublesome to us lazybones DVD buyers.

Choose Your Own Harold and Kumar Adventure!

Those folks over at New Line must be smoking the good stuff, because making the release of Harold and Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay a Choose Your Own Adventure-style DVD is inspired, to say the least. In addition to switching between new and alternate scenes, you can get up close and personal with the real Harold Lee and “the guy who plays George W. Bush.” Look for it July 25.

An HD Transformers extravaganza!

The web is abuzz with the official news that a Transformers Blu-Ray release will hit stores September 2, supervised by director/spectacle aficionado Michael Bay himself. The 2-Disc Special Edition is expected to boast no less than 30 extras, featurettes, trailers and Easter eggs — all in glorious, ear-shattering, eye-popping HD.

Another Starship Troopers sequel is coming…

Casper Van Dien is back as Johnny Rico, Roughneck soldier and extinguisher of space bugs, in the third installment of the saga that began with Paul Verhoeven‘s 1997 boob-, bomb-, and bug-filled satire. Ed Neumier makes his directorial debut with Starship Troopers: Marauder, which comes to DVD and Blu-Ray August 5; if you’re really Starship crazy, you can buy the entire trilogy the same day.

Disney To Make Movies for Fairies

After you’re done fueling your testosterone levels with Starship Troopers, get in touch with your softer side with the first of four all-new direct-to-DVD Disney films…about fairies! Disney’s had enough of the lame super sequels — Ariel’s racked up a lot of mileage over the years — so they’re turning their attentions to Peter Pan sprite Tinkerbell, who will appear along with her fairy BFFs and talk for the first time in Disney history — unless you count Julia Roberts in Hook, which we admittedly don’t count either.

Click for this week’s new releases!

The Eye


Tomatometer: 21%

One thing might appeal to you about this poor American rehashing of a decent Asian horror film, and that is its star: Jessica Alba. Thankfully, there’s plenty of her to be seen — and a perverse enjoyment to be had from watching her blind “concert violinist” emote around a darkened condo.

Bonus Features:

It’s a 2-disc release with precious little content to warrant the splurge. A digital copy of the film accompanies the DVD — but why, oh, why, would you want to watch it more than once?

Semi-Pro



Tomatometer: 20%

Will Ferrell is up to his usual tricks as Jackie Moon, a 1970s R&B singer (“Love Me Sexy”) turned hoops team owner/player/coach faced trying to lead his ragtag team to league victory; zaniness ensues. The comic’s faithful can forgive the film’s intermittent laughs just for the sight of Ferrell in short shorts, but what about everyone else?

Bonus Features:

You’ll get a digital copy and unrated version of the film in the 2-disc “Let’s Get Sweaty” Edition, plus extended and deleted scenes…but if you hate the film, these extras will just pour more Will Ferrell-flavored salt into the wound. Decide if you’re enough of a Ferrell fan first.



Meet the Spartans


Tomatometer: 02%

The guys behind the “Fill-In-the-Blank” Movies are back again, skewering all things 300. If you revel in gay Spartan jokes, and snort at yet another Britney Spears jab, then you and this movie deserve each other.

Bonus Features:

Pop-up trivia and a cast and crew commentary accompany this…who are we kidding. No amount of extra features could make this DVD worth your while.

Control

Tomatometer: 88%

Thank goodness for good movies! Anton Corbijn‘s stirring, excellent biopic of Joy Division singer Ian Curtis is finally here — a hauntingly intimate, jolting, and lyrical look at the tragic life and death of the pre-fame legend, cut short right as the band was on the brink of post-punk stardom.

Bonus Features:

Immerse yourself in an interview and commentary track with Corbijn, and then marvel at lead Sam Riley and fellow actors (who performed their own songs, filmed live for the movie) in extended concert scenes. Corbijn’s music videos for Joy Division and The Killers also appear on the release.


Boarding Gate

Tomatometer: 26%

The poster says it all: Asia Argento in her underwear and stilettos, pistol in hand. But, buyer be warned: there may be little else to redeem Olivier Assayas‘ stylized neo-thriller, which also features Michael Madsen and a strange turn by Sonic Youth’s Kim Gordon.

Bonus Features:

A single making-of featurette makes this a skimpy DVD title; rent it, unless you’ve got to bolster your private Asia Argento home video collection.


Dirty Harry Ultimate Collector’s Edition

Tomatometer: N/A

Ask yourself one question: Do you feel lucky? You should, considering this “ultimate” set of all five Dirty Harry films comes with a passel of uber cool collector’s items, plus a feature-length documentary on the man himself, Clint Eastwood, and all-new commentaries by Eastwood, John Milius, James Fargo, and film critic Richard Schickel.

Bonus Features:

Here’s the loot: five reproduced lobby cards, a poster-sized map of San Francisco detailing Harry’s hunt for the Scorpio killer, never before seen production correspondence, a 40 page hardcover book, and — best of all — a replica Dirty Harry wallet with metal badge and I.D. card.


The Onion Movie

Tomatometer: N/A

America’s finest news source (and employer of hilarious headline writers) The Onion gets its own feature-length movie this week, skewering the news and entertainment industry with signature snark. With a nod to the Kentucky Fried Movie — though leagues below that mark in terms of, well, jokes that work — The Onion Movie won’t be the best new release of the week, but it will probably be more worth your while than Meet the Spartans.

Bonus Features:

Justly deleted scenes and outtakes aren’t funny if the material isn’t funny. But there is some hope, in the form of Mr. Steven Seagal (at the 1:00 mark):

‘Til next week, happy viewing!

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